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star bright, star light

where will i find the pieces?

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wrote this piece today (8.19.04) about leaving for college:
noise, confusion, fighting
the last days of an era
of a century fullofeverything
hold me back
hold back the ducts
the ones that will let everythingout
out of my pores
the pores that forgot to close the world
rake out the aches
the pains that dull the senses
i can't remember who walked down that hallway
i can't remember who kissed me last night
i can't remember what the moon looks like
hating how it's turning out
hating how i can't see where i'm going
hating how dizzy i feel
<the nausea will usurp my dreams>
the cramping becomes unbearable
in the darkest depths of the night
is dreaming of springtime, flowers
just wishing for the change to flick
the alacrity of a light switch
of an on/off button
that blinks with beacon sharpness
the rock at the bottom
bleeds my heart uncontrollably
forgot how to say my name
forgot how to walk, how to breath
what happened back there?
on that frozen night
back in mid february
when the days of travelling lunches
soiled the bits of flesh under our fingernails
doesn't seem so bad
but it hurts when pebbles dig themselves in
inside where the blood runs thick
where relationships are strong
boys don't have cooties
laughing isn't just for the others
we all have our own distinctions
wishing won't make it stay
the stars won't act as my foothold
the cosmos will sweep me away
into the next millenium
where i can survive...
faster faster faster
laying out in the sun of burning passions
only burning, never tanning
(freckles let me know i'm not useless)
how can i sing up there?
with you? without you?
i'm not from around here, i don't belong
i just want to hold you a bit closer
a bit longer
before i have to step up
before i have to remember everything
before i have to ...
let you go
and it will never be the same again
and the heart will break
where will i find the pieces?