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star bright, star light
sometimes 1.12.04

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1.12.04 ~ sometimes i just feel really alone and isolated. from most
everyone else on the planet. i know that no one can understand
anyone else fully, but sometimes it feels like no one understands me
even a little bit. and that wouldn't be so bad except sometimes, when
we're (me and my friends) all in a group, no one tries to understand
that sometimes circles have niches of people who don't know what is
going on because for whatever reason (work, homework, etc) they
weren't at the last party so they don't know what the hell is going
on. it's no fun to be the odd man out when the whole group is
laughing at an inside joke. no fun at all. and sometimes i feel like
that. and sometimes i know it's just a coincidence, but when i get
online, it seems like people get off. and no one emails me. and no one
calls me. but they all call and email each other. am i that hard to
talk to? am i that ugly? that stupid? that boring? sometimes i
wonder how i ever fit in before. how come it's so hard now? maybe
it's because there are guys in our group. but that wasn't true when
they were in our group in previous years. but now charlie's busy
being all over erin and erin's busy being confused and leo's just
oblivious to everything and caite's busy being ignored and cj's busy
trying to include everyone and al's busy trying to flirt and weezel's
busy talking anime and sara's busy being observant and etc. etc. etc.
the list goes on. everyone's so busy we forget about people. i've never
had to work this hard to keep in touch with my friends before.
sometimes, at just regular, haning out ddr parties, it's fun. but at
school, it's hard to keep up with what's going on. people forget to
tell everyone about parties and get-togethers, so people get upset for
not being told and it's just way confusing. why are we having such
a horrible problem communicating this year? maybe it's just me... or
maybe we're just ready to leave each other. or maybe i'm just ready
to leave them. but they really are great friends. or most of them are.
some of them, i'm not so sure of. some of them, i'm sure, are only my
friends because they are close to my close friends. and that's it. and i
have to wonder about myself. maybe i do have horrendous body
language that turns people off like my mother said. but i don't really
think i do. i've never had a problem before. i've also thought about
the wiccan thing. but everyone totally supports me in that (well,
everyone except one) and some of them tell me often how cool i am.
so if it's not my body, and it's not my religion, ... am i not smart
enough? not geek enough? maybe i'm just too out-of-the-box for
them. maybe i don't fit perfectly into the geek mold or the gamer
mold or the smart mold. the only mold i fit into is the creative mold
and that's not helpful enough. nobody cares if you're a writer in my
group because there are too many self-proclaimed writers in my
group. but i don't know why i'm being ignored or why i feel so
isolated. i guess it's just my fault. maybe i'm too sensitive.
anyways, i'm bored with this topic.
yesterday, i stopped taking communion. i know that this must sound
stupid, but it was really weird. i'm wiccan, but i have to attend
church until i'm 18 (4 more months- April 14). and i've pretty much
always participated in the service: sang the songs, said the prayers,
ate the bread, and drank the juice. none of it really meant anything
to me besides being traditional and what i've always done. (if i was pissed, sometimes i would refuse to sing or say the prayers; but i had never not done communion). anyways, so yesterday was the first communion of the year and it was sort of a last minute decision on my part. i was like, "four more months, i won't be here anymore!" (my last sunday is easter!) and then i was thinking about how i should probably start disassoiciating myself with the church. and really, since i don't believe in the spirituality of communion, i decided i would give it up. i know that must sound dumb, but it actually turned out to be sort of hard. after the tray passed to the next row, i had the urge to tell them to bring it back. it was just a comfort thing or whatever. i've always done it. it's always been "food day at church" and it was weird not participating. not so weird that i'll become christian again or anything. it was just kind of funny not doing something. like if i randomly decided not to put my shirt on before i went to school, i'd probably feel funny about that too because it's something i've always done. get it? haha. well, yeah. i don't care if i'm a freak. it's just how i felt.
well, since no one's reading this and i have stuff to do (or to procrastinate doing), i shall leave now. tata.