2.29.04 - happy leap day. woo hoo. i guess.
i don't really have anything to rant (*ahem*
whine *ahem*) about... hehe... did you know there are some really complicated leap year rules. i didn't know that. woah nelly.
i guess i could whine about how isolated i have
been feeling lately.. and about how i still am not invited to parties or shindigs because people forget about me. but i'm
starting to feel better about all that because i'm not the only one who is forgotten. in fact, a lot of my friends have been
feeling left out (that doesn't mean i want to hear a ton of whining about it... *ahem* leo *ahem*). i guess... or that's sort
of the underlying feeling i've gotten from them. yeah. so i'm still trying to keep up my positive outlook. which i started
on imbolc... i sort of decided that i've been too whiney and annoying lately... so i needed to change something. so i've been
trying to hang out with those who care about me. and i've been trying to stick up for myself more and be less passive agressive
... well, i like being passive aggressive... but i guess be both assertive and passive aggressive. yeah. uh... and it's really
hard. i'm not sure why... but i think i have this inherent fear of telling people things about myself on a personal level.
like i can semi-talk to people personally on aim. but on the phone or in person....i can't do it. like, i can type all this
stuff up because: a. it's typing/writing, b. i'm not sure if anyone even reads these things, and c. even if someone reads
this, it's totally too non-personal because i'm not there or whatever... addressing it to you. sometimes even emails are hard
to write.... the really important weird ones. i can write the silly ones that tell about my weekend and plans... but anything
personal about my feelings or whatever.... i can't do it. i start to shake. even when i'm having debates with my muttims (my
mom) ... if i get really into it... i'll start to shake. i'm almost shaking now. it's this inherent fear (ph34r as leo would
say) and i have a feeling it's because of my wiccan-closet thing. i mean... i kept it in (for the most part) for two years.
no one knew (or at least i didn't tell anyone) that i went home after school and pretty much watched tv all afternoon and
cried/wrote in my journal all night. i was a major freaky deaky. or whatever. it was all self-oppression. i would have been
a lot happier if i had just told people about myself. but i don't know. like even though i don't feel oppressed anymore...
i still feel like i can't express myself very well.... like i don't have a problem expressing my silliness... or whatever...
but i have problems expressing sadness or confusion.... i don't know.... i have problems expressing most emotions except for
giddiness and sarcasm (or whatever). yeah. i have been debating about going to a shrink (i probably shouldn't call them that).
but i'm not sure. i've always been adamently against going to a psychiatrist. like i hate that whole scene just because i
could never talk about myself. but i have a feeling that i'm going to have a whole lot of problems in future relationships
if i don't get help. (but what if he/she [headshrinker] wants to read my journal?!) so i am really not sure what to do. i
think i'm just going to ponder my situation for awhile. <i'm not a freak/phr34k>
right. so happy leap day everyone. won't be back
again till 2008 (i think... too many rules). yeah. i probably should at least look at my webassign before tomorrow. eep.