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star bright, star light
pmsing on 5.14.04

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so it's (school) is almost over. just my physics exam on monday and stupid graduation (and the graduation practices). and i've been crying practically non-stop all week. i'm such a fucking (excuse my french) baby sometimes. i'm not sure if i'm pmsing or what, but this is totally unacceptable. i hate high school. i mean, this year has probably been the best year of all the years (no math class!), but still... i should be rejoicing.... but i can't help it. i'm leaving everyone and everything i know behind to go 22 hours (by car) away. and i can't help it. it's like... i hate it here... but i'm starting to see some of the good things. it's not as bad as i had always thought. yeah... it is the "bible belt", but my friends and the people i surround myself aren't like that. and people are more open minded than i had ever thought. and i'm going to miss my car and my obnoxious parents who won't leave me the fuck (excuse the language again) alone with all my homework and shit. and i'm going to miss all my extremely disfunctional friends and our weirdo clique. i'm going to miss the "eternal pessimism" from ren, and the stupid smacks from caite, and the off campus lunches with the posse, and the jokes with enrin, and getting lost in nashville with everyone, and going to the park, and moonlight hikes, and birthday parties, and making fun of the gamers in the group, and kill bill movies, and ice skating (or ice cheating), and ddr, and waffle house breakfasts, and stupid spring days, and the break spot, and the morning spot, and stupid social studies teachers (this referring to rawley [do you think ms. rawley would mind if i whipped this book at her head?], eckerle [and serial rapists like mr ridings!!!!], and dixie lee [her mocking]... not the queen!!!!), and driving fro boy everywhere, and pebbles' smelliness, and amanda's clepto tendencies, and hannah's ho-ness, and rachel s.'s artistic talents, and shannon's laugh, and erin's wild ability to twist my sentences to make me laugh, and lini never stops reading, and how leo still makes a's in all her classes even though she draws through them all, and cj's unwavering need to high five everyone, and chuck's funky hawaiian shirts, and keelan's sleeping in his car ability, and nathan's "da-ha", and how me and caite can laugh simultaneously, and how ren and i felt guilty about beta club, and jenny and ruthie's obsession with ranch sunflower seeds, and i'm going to miss everything (everything meaning i was going to keep mentioning all my friends in this fashion, but got tired of it so i've decided to stop) soooooooooooo much. and i keep thinking about how alone i'm going to be at smith. and i can't stay here because everyone else is leaving (and my parents would annoy the hell out of me), but i'm scared. it's like... safer to stay in high school. it's what i've always done... and it's hard to imagine this change.
i think i'm definitely (i just realized how to spell that word) pmsing.