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the way you wanted me... 7.2.04

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"It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me
So, I will head out alone and hope for the best"
-Rachael Yamagata, from Border's Music=Life CD (only $4.99!)

i was debating whether i should put this up on my deviant site, but i decided against it, realizing this site is probably the more private one.

i'm feeling increasingly ... scared about school coming up. i know that sounds ridiculuous... and i'm not even sure if that's the right term to explain how i feel, but if i was really honest with myself, i would realize that at least a part of me is scared. i'm going so very far away from everything that i have known for the past nine years of my life. yes, that's right people... technically i'm a GRITS aka Girl Raised In The South... disgusting as it is, i am being as how most of my life has happened in the south. georgia for the first four, then nh (best place in the world), and now here. so technically i'm a "southern belle"... but i don't think i would go that far. and i'm not really regionalist... because if i was, i wouldn't be dreading leaving this stinkin' place so much. despite the bible-beltedness (meant in every way possible; not meant as an insult... just to point out that i don't, obviously, fit into anything that mentions a bible in front of it) and narrowmindedness of this place, it has gotten better in this past year. my friends aren't like the uber conservative adults around here, and in fact, they are a pretty liberal group. and the nature of this place can't be forgotten either. the charm of my private rides in the country just makes me cringe with the fact that spike (my car) won't be joining me at smith in the fall. and even if i choose to bring her next year, i won't be driving her much since it snows too much in new england. shocking isn't it? that zoe potter could possibly say "too much" in reference to snow... but i'm sorry, when it's still snowing in april... well, that's just too much!

anyway, i've been better lately with the fact of my leaving. most of the month of june was taken up with my adament need to ignore my moving and just make as much of my time here. but this summer has gone more slowly than any summer ever before. perhaps because all my other summers i knew what i would be going to in the fall. even though i hated the fact that i would be going to school again, at least i knew what it would be like. now i'm stuck in the summer that won't ever end, wondering how i'll react when smith comes up to bite me on my butt when i'm not looking.

don't get me wrong: i'm excited too. i can't wait to find out about my roommate, buy all that stupid room junk, and sign up for the best classes ever. but... right now, it's  just so foreign to me. i can't imagine life in any way other than what it has been so far... well, i can imagine, but it's hard to imagine realistically. you know?

i thought i was doing better. perhaps that letter from smith yesterday jolted me out of my reverie. it was just a packet trying to smooth out the wrinkles in my transition. i think it just succeeded in wrinkling them even more.

i don't know what's wrong with me. maybe it's pms... but i find myself sobbing to my favorite songs and emersing myself fully into the characters of books and fanfics, going so far as to dream about the storylines, so i won't have to deal with my own life. it's easier that way. i don't have to deal with leaving my family and my friends if i take every moment up with work and going out. and in the times between, i read or surf the web... never letting myself think too hard about it. i haven't even been writing very faithfully in my journal lately.

i feel like such a baby... and i know i'm not... but it's hard to hold this all inside. i'm not very good with showing and sharing my hard emotions (aka anger and grief). happiness is what i can deal with. so i grasp it with an almost obsessive insanity, often acting like a spoiled attention-seeker when i'm in large groups of people.

and it's almost harder knowing that my friends practically know how i feel. they say they will visit me, that they will come up to massachusetts during smith's anime & gaming con, that they will follow care packages sent my way, showing up when i least expect it. but none of them will visit. it's the sad fact that neither party is willing to voice aloud. they don't have the money or time to come visit me like that. and i know they mean well, but it still hurts. and i don't necessarily want them to stop saying it though, because even though i know it won't ever happen, it still helps to deceive some inner, hopeful part of myself that still believes in fairies and santa.

well, i think that's all i have to offer at the moment. now i shall fully immerse myself in the nearest hermione & severus fan fic.