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star bright, star light

running in circles, coming in tails














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"Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start"
Coldplay's "The Scientist"
 
7.30.04 - i don't normally listen to coldplay. i mean, i loved "yellow" from their first album... but i haven't really listened to a rush of blood to the head since i got it for christmas.
 
but somehow i knew i would need them tonight.
 
what the fuck is wrong with the world? why is it that good things happen together and then leave the horrendous things to bunch up?
 
i'm feeling sick with emotion. it's 5:23 am and i want to be as far away from myself and my life as i possible can get.
 
my fucking grandmother is dying, and dying fast. she might not even last til the end of the month. that's right. while i'm trying to get used to leaving all my friends and my immediate family to move 22 hours away (by car), she's sitting around dying. the nerve. and even though i know that it would probably be good for her to go (she's so fucking lonely and all), my dad and his siblings seem to be taking this whole dying thing as a personal insult aimed at their family. how dare she die? she's fucking 85-or-something years old, has bazillions of great-grandchildren, and here she is, almost dead. fuck her. why couldn't she have done this last year? or even next year?
 
and apparently my aunt's getting shit from her six year old, who is one of the best little kids ever. but he has some sort of ADD-ish disability and gets frustrated and then tells her he hates her. which is sooo fucking unfair. my aunt is like my favorite relative ever, and she's been through so much...
 
and my best friend's dog was murdered last week (well, put down, if it makes you feel better).
 
and i keep watching sad movies and reading sad books and my fucking empathetic tendencies wrap around my neck until i can hardly breathe. must i be so fucking sensitive to everything?

i can hardly stand myself sometimes.

why is my life happening so fast? why can't i grasp anything full of love and life anymore?

and just so we all get this straight: i'm not due for my period for another week or two... although this entry might have something to do with my sleep tendencies. but just so we can't chalk it up to pms and girlie problems or whatever. plus, i've been known to have pms year-round. so fuck you.

fuck the whole world.