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star bright, star light

changing ocean tides

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"i took my love and i took it down
i climbed a mountain and i turned around
and i saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'til the landslide brought me down
oh mirror in the sky
what is love?
can the child within my heart rise above?
can i sail through the changing ocean tides
can i handle the seasons of my life?
mmhmm i don't know
well i've been afraid of changing
'cause i built my life around you
but time makes you bolder
children get older
i'm getting older too"
-fleetwood mac, "landslide"
long time, no ranting.  i'm at smith and i've decided to come back to my website because i'm sick of all the fucking online journals that i update and don't care about, really.  i mean, xanga's and lj's are only fun until they get boring.  i want more than that... i love writing and whining and shit... but i don't want it to be petty and stupid.  but it is... i don't know.  somehow, whining and ranting on my website makes it seem better and i feel better about doing it on here. 
my grandma died in october and my life seems to have gone down hill from there.  i've been having major identity issues since then. 
last night, ann and i totally had one of the best conversations of my whole entire life.  like, it was just so beautiful and helpful to be able to talk about everything going on.  we've decided that we're "dreamers" and that we don't fit into society's norms of stable emotions and reactions.  we have all these highs and lows and our emotions are based upon the fulfillment of dreams or the frustration of unfulfilled expectations.  and people who don't go through these highs and lows will never understand them... like when you're depressed and you're not exactly sure why and someone asks you what's wrong, you can't tell them the truth because it would scare them too much, right?  you have to fucking lie to them and tell them some lameass excuse about being tired or stressed or something.  society doesn't like extremes, it likes stability.  but, by not catering to the extremes, the people like me and ann have limited resources for expression. 
fuck you if you don't understand. 
i love being me sometimes.  and sometimes, i fucking hate it.  it all comes with the territory.  i'd rather be extreme than stable.  i just wish that my high would come soon because i'm sick of being low.  sick sick sick of it.
i'll try to post more often from now on.  it's fun to have a website.