12.10.04 - 4:09 am
"So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able,
Lighting trees in darkness, learning new ways
from the old, and
Making sense of history and drawing warmth out of the cold."
-Dar Williams "The Christians and Pagans"
so i downloaded that wicked awesome song and it made
me think of caite and it made me miss her hardcore. only a week and a half left! all i have to do before then
is rip apart my whole fucking body as i throw it into the oncoming traffic of northampton. or something like that.
oh well. i should be working on our group paper
for deviant behavior. it's not due until tuesday, but my other group members want to edit it and everything. grr...
and i just realized that i really wish someone were
here with me. ali's downstairs, in the boiler room, "chillin'" with charlotte and the boys. i was with them, but
i got bored, so i came back up to my room after two hits.
and it's fucking 4:14 am which is one of my two favorite
times a day. and i really wish someone were here with me... not really a specific person, i sorta gave that up a few
days ago... right now i've got the supremes' song "can't hurry love" as my new philosophy. but i just wish i had someone,
a friend, to be here, talking with me... actually having a real conversation. a real one. not a fake one.
haha. no, but seriously. but no one's fucking awake. and even if ali stopped partying right now, i wouldn't
be able to talk to her... we've had very few real conversations. and we've never had any real orgasmic conversations...
only once did it come close... we were lying in our beds, right before going to sleep and we were talking and it was so nice...
it felt like an actual sleepover or something. like we were best friends or something. i love ali and everything,
but we just don't have those cool conversations. hm... 'tis weird, i know.
i don't really have a lot of people that i have those
conversations with, actually. the only people i have real conversations with seem to be my mom, caite, ann, michele,
anna, and melissa. there are actually a few more smithies with whom i've had real conversations, but i can't remember
any more from recent conversations.
wait, i'm discriminating... it's not fair to say "real"
conversations... because i've had some "real" conversations with people that were short and sweet and special and everything...
but what i mean by "real" is that they were indepth and you actually learn about the persons' spirit and shit... and there's
passionate exchanges of ideas, opinions, arguments, dreams, and/or memories. 'tis a wonderful thing, really.
i like them because, when i have them, i feel like
i'm being listened to and not just in that polite way that seems to have started happening now that i'm at smith. i
can't remember anyone ever doing the polite listening thing at home... i mean, i'm sure they did... but i can't remember it.
i just feel like such shit when i'm talking and i can tell hardcore when a person has stopped listening and i feel so stupid
for talking and wasting their time... such an insecure statement there. but seriously... i feel like it's so rude on
some level... like, i know people don't realize they're doing it, and it's probably mostly my fault for blabbering on about
meaninglessness... but sometimes i feel so unwanted. especially when people ask me a specific question and then get
bored halfway through my answer. does that happen to everyone? what the fuck, right?
but when i'm in my deep conversation, i'm usually
with only one or two people and we all take turns talking or we'll argue or ask questions and really really listen.
and you have to really really listen because there's only one other person with you and it's just such a nice experience,
ya know? it's just so refreshing, i guess.
so i don't even have a topic to talk about, but i
want to talk right now. i wish someone was here with me.
i miss my old life where i felt freer almost.
i miss being the different one in some ways like how i always made my friends pay attention because i was interesting and
it's nice being the big rebel in the group. i feel so boring here... i'm just a pagan bisexual writer from tennessee,
and somehow, i feel boring. why do i feel boring sometimes? i hate feeling like that. it makes me feel like
a fucking 45 year old mother. i hate that feeling. fuck that shit.
but why am i so boring? maybe i should assert
myself... i feel so less assertive here. i feel fucking less assertive. why is that? why the fuck
is that? women's colleges are fucking supposed to make you feel more confident... i feel less confident and more confined
in some ways. i was always so assertive and loud with my friends from home... here, i'm not so loud and i definitely
feel quiet with my friends here... well, not too quiet. but a little quiet. which is a lot if you ask any of my
friends from tennessee. i hate that about myself... i miss my old, obnoxiously loud and cheerful self. i was
way cooler as that person ... it was like i used to be able to handle two extreme opposites of myself, my light side
and dark side, and i wonder if i can still handle it... i must be able to because i went back to "normal" when i went home
for thanksgiving. i almost want to go back to home to stay. well, not to stay in the exact place of home... but
perhaps somewhere in the state...
i miss home and my crazy friends.
i really really really really hope that i'll warm
up to my new friends and fucking become weirder because i don't know if i like myself like this very much. ugh.
and right at this very moment, i'm feeling kinda lost
again. like i don't seem to have anyone who's around a lot who i'm wicked wicked close to... like a best friend.
ali's always off smoking and drinking and i could never confide in her about my fucking "dark side" or whatever. ann's
in basketball, michele's got chemistry. (ann and michele are my smith best friends... this is just a rant about recently and
everything) anna's already got avery and she's not one of those people that i would feel comfortable waking up if i needed
her. does that make sense? i mean, if i really needed needed her, then i would wake her up... but just to do a
talk if i was feeling seriously lonely... i wouldn't do it. melissa's about the same... it's great talking to her and
everything, but i couldn't wake her up and besides, she's often off, humping, being naked, or serenading naked morrow girl
with anna. and kris has ali and she does that not-paying-attention thing a lot (especially lately; she never used to
do it, but she does it now and i worry about her). and all the other first years are sweet and i love them... but i
haven't had connections with them yet and/or i wouldn't ever feel comfortable waking them up. like, i feel comfortable
waking caite up... i mean, i'd feel bad. but if i really needed her, i'd do it. ya know? and i've done it
on accident enough times... i know she doesn't mind when it's an accident and stuff. ya know? i don't know.
why doesn't anyone stay up this late... besides the
i miss those long night talks in front of the living
room fire, the ones where you lose track of time and you never want to stop talking and sharing and doing that bonding shit.
i don't care if we're bonding... i just love to learn about my friends and i love sharing stuff about myself. it's orgasmic...
almost better than an orgasm. seriously... probably that's why i keep a journal online or whatever... because it's half
of a really deep conversation, right? or sort of. i don't necessarily know who's reading this, but it's still
nice to think of people possibly reading it. i sometimes still think about people reading my private journals when i'm
dead and everything and that makes me so happy... like, i could never share them now because they're too embarassing to share
or whatever. and plus, that's stupid to share your private thoughts about everything to everyone... right? i mean,
sometimes you just have to talk shit about people or talk about your devious thoughts or whatever. ya know? but
i like to think that when i'm dead, people will read my journals and know the true me. i love rereading my old journals
(even if they make me cringe) because they make me feel like i'm growing... and they make me remember the really great times
and funny jokes of my life... and make me honor the not so good times as times in which i learned. it's really a neat
process, right? i thought so too. that's why i keep one. but anyway... i imagine the people close to me,
reading my journals... all the way back from november freshman year, back in 2000. and i know some of them will be hurt,
horrified, or flattered (or all three) by what i write about some of them... but i don't write anything but the truth, as
i see it, at that time in my life. but truth changes and is different for everyone, right? but i still imagine
these random people from my life, reading my journals and thinking about what an awesome person i was... i mean, how fucking
egotistical is that? but i guess i just strive for that compliment thing. i mean, not really because compliments
sorta make me uncomfortable (i mean, sometimes they do... i'm used to some of them... like about my hair and sometimes my
eyes... but when people say that i'm awesome... like and not just while their laughing... like they say that truly and stuff...
or when they say something else, about my personality... that shit makes me so happy, but so uncomfortable... ya
know? is that insecure?) but i do wish people could see me through my eyes... like: "here i am. this is
what i did. this is why, and this is how i feel about it." i love that shit. that's probably why i like
to read those journal-style novels. they rock hardcore. they're not necessarily very descriptive in the senses,
but more descriptive on a more base, but not any less fantastic, level. does that make sense? like the whole defining
process seems to come out of my journals. if you were going to define me, you could find my journals and everything
me would be in them. pretty much. and that's pretty fucking descriptive... my writing style, my handwriting, my
diction, my choices, my emotions, my opinions, my worries, and my wishes. all there, out in the open... everything.
no one can see everyone's sides because everyone's different for everyone.... but i think the closest you can come to knowing
a person totally would be to see him/her through his/her own eyes. ya know? the fucking insignificant details
make up a person's life, right? and that's so fucking fascinating to me... and this writing thing helps me
to figure out who i am. and i think i have a pretty good idea, mostly. i mean, obviously not all the time, but
it sure does help me to organize myself in a way that makes it easier for me to figure things out. or whatev.
wow, i'm really rambling. shit. i'm doing
the stoned thing again, aren't i? but seriously... like i was talking about before... i think the not-listening
thing is one of my biggest pet peeves. when i'm stoned, that pet peeve becomes a thousand times worse... and it's because
i fucking ramble about the most random shit and so people stop listening after the first word or two... and sometimes
it's even worse than when i'm not high because at least i act semi-normal... but when stoned, i act so weird and
talk about the most random things... so then people will laugh nervously and do the shifty eye thing as if to say, "is
she crazy, or is it just me?" and then other people will laugh and go, "you're so crazy!" just to shut me up... or this
has been my experience as a stoned person... perhaps the situation is completely different. perhaps everyone's attentive
and acts interested in my stoned attempts to be an intellectual conversationalists. but somehow, i highly doubt that.
i wish someone were here right now so i could
discuss all of this stuff... or something... perhaps it's good no one's here, because he/she might try to tell me
that i'm crazy... i mean, i might be crazy... but i don't like it when it's used as an interruptive tool in order
to shut me up.... fuck all of you for doing that to me.... i mean, who the fuck does that? i mean, if you do it as an
interruptive tool, but keep listening and everything... like the interruption is used as an insurance that
you're listening... ya know? like you're in the middle of a conversation and you're telling a crazy story about hijaking a
big ass sleigh from the middle of the road and you just said something really unbelievable... the other person is allowed
to say, "that's crazy!" as an interruption... as long as they're expecting more from your conversation... so many people
do it and then ask someone else a question like you've had your turn and your time is out or whatever...
me: "so davey and bobby hijaked this random sleigh
the other night!"
other person: "woah! that's crazy!"
me: "yeah... it was pretty sweet... all the did
me: "so davey and bobby hijaked this random sleigh
the other night!"
other person: "woah! that's crazy! geena,
when did you say the pizza would be here?"
see? they don't even pretend to be listening... or
at least not in a way that's believable. and why do i listen to all of them? huh? i don't understand it.
ugh. i'm ranting way too much... this
should be an interesting post when i read it tomorrow.
i wonder if anyone will read this entry. probably
not... but that's okay. i sort of feel better. i didn't realize i felt this way about some of those things...
like, seriously. i think being stoned makes you realize things... i'm not even joking. it makes me realize certain
things that are usually pretty damn unclear when i'm sober and everything. i mean, obviously, everything's not crystal
clear and i have the answer to the meaning of life or anything... i just have a clearer view of somethings... it's like i
pressed the refresh button on the browser window of my brain. it's not going to reload everything... but it'll refresh
the page so that i can see what those pictures really are instead of the little red error x's. ya know?
haha. i'm full of smartness and metaphor tonight,
aren't i? why can't i be like that all the time?
i really should work on my insecurity issues, should
i? i mean, i don't feel too insecure when i'm sober... but i notice the insecurity in the cracks when i'm high... like
my inability to entertain strange boys. or, for that matter, go in search for one to dance with at the smith parties.
i can't seem to assert myself with my friends... i can't take compliments unless i've heard them so much that they're meaningless
to me. i can't talk about my feelings very much. i can't do a lot of things. like ali said about not wanting
to tell our midwifery class that she was going out to smoke a cigarette: "i'm afraid of being judged"... isn't that silly?
but i seriously am afraid of that in soooo many ways. i think in all aspects of my life where i'm interacting with another
person... i'm afraid of that fucking judgement thing... i mean... if they're mean or something... i'm not going to care what
they think... but... really, i care what people think... and i think that's kinda bad... i mean, sometimes, it's not necessarily
whether they think bad or good... but it's just the whole judging in the first place.... so what if i like to watch the l
word and lizzie mcguire? what does that make me? a lesbian pedophile? go ahead, then. fucking label
me. but that's what i'm talking about... i mean... not that... i pretty much don't care if people know i watch the l
word or lizzie mcguire... but those are innocent examples, ya know? it's like, people make judgements and i hate that.
i'm always thinking about what people are thinking about... even when i write these fucking journal entries... they are catered
to the public. this is me, but not really... this is probably the most truthful entry in awhile because this is me,
stoned and not thinking about what other people are thinking about and how they're judging me and everything... perhaps that's
another reason why i really really like to write in my private journal... no one's judging me. and maybe that's a reason
why i hate it when my friends disagree with me... i mean, i get over it... but it's such a shock when someone doesn't like
a song or show that i adore because i just want them to totally like what i like and not judge me because i love something
that they hate. in that way, i'm not fair... it's just something i can't help... it's a reaction. and i get over
it (sometimes; i'm still mad at caite for not liking hook! who doesn't like hook?! haha... just kidding!)... but
it's just that initial surprise and sometimes i get really pissed at those people who are so "confident" that when i say i
like something, and they disagree, they practically yell, in a very aggressive and condescending manner, "wow!
i HATED that movie!" not exactly like that, but pretty damn close.... how fucking unfair is that? like,
i don't fucking care if you hated it... it's my favorite movie... ya know? it's like... if someone says something's
their favorite movie... it's fine to say you don't like it.... but you don't have to be sooooooooo damn adament about it...
right? i mean, i adamently HATE dr. phil, right? i mean, i have fantasies of shoving sharp pencils into his bald
head (and perhaps up his hairy ass! until it bleeds!). but if someone says, "wow, i love dr. phil!" i don't
immediately go into, "GOD! i HATE him!!" like my nana really likes him... right? so she said she did, and
i was like, "i don't really care for him." and then she asked why and i told her. totally polite and i don't think my
nana was offended that i held a different opinion from her. ya know? fuck those people who can't argue or even
share fucking opinions. it's even worse when said people claim to be "open-minded." fucking look up "open-minded"
in the dictionary, dumb ass.
does any of that make sense? that's another
thing i say that might be considered "insecure." the whole thing about making any sense. i never think that i
make sense. ya know? see? i'm doing it again with the "ya know?" thing... like, i can't even stand up next
to my own, completely formed idea, and say, "yes, this is me. judge me, for i do make sense!" i fucking have to
shout to the world, "i'm insecure and i just made a bold statement and now i have to undermine its powers because i'm not
completely sure that i just sounded smart or something" by saying "ya know?" and "did that make sense?" see? i'm
so dependent on other people in little ways... it's so stupid. and maybe i'm blowing it out of proportion, because sometimes,
i'm not the best verbal communicator, so i don't nesecarily understand myself sometimes... but it's still a pretty insecure
thing to say.... i've got to stop and just assume people understand me... and if they don't... they'll tell me... either that
or then they'll just completely ignore ignore me hardcore whenever i talk until i will just become a mumbling wack-o who rocks
back and forth in the corners of rooms with padded walls. how creepy would that be?
fuck, it's 5:38 am and i've been writing for more
than an hour without stopping... that's pretty fucking sweet. pretty fancy. except that my hand hurts now.
that's not so cool. and plus, i've got a 9 o'clock class tomorrow. and then i've got to fucking finish my deviant
behavior paper so i can send it tomorrow afternoon... and then i should do my midwifery paper so that i can send that in tomorrow
too. so, yeah. that's my tomorrow. so i had better go to sleep.
i love how i just wrote this wicked long entry...
i just love me and my insightfulness tonight. i'm completely fucking serious. i love you zoe fucking potter.
(fucking should be my new middle name! haha)
well, 'morning darlings!!!!!!!